Friday, November 30, 2007

On Becoming Crotchety

I didn't start out this way.

I was once a perfectly normal and friendly-to-strangers sort of dude. I am not sure when it happened exactly, but I have a feeling it was sometime between buying my first house, and having a baby. I started to view the world in a slightly different way. I first noticed it when the kids skateboarding in the middle of the road in my neighborhood began to bother me. They have a little practice rail and a few large plywood boxes they set up (in the middle of the street mind you--their parents must really love them) and they won't really move out of the way when you are driving through. Now, in my youth, I wouldn't have been bothered by this, but now I can see myself flooring it and making them dive out of the way. I don't do it, of course, but I can see myself doing it.

Besides the skateboarding pre-teens I also started really disliking a few of my neighbors. Specifically, I don't like the ones who can't seem to grasp the fact that if you don't park properly, not everyone gets a space (you know who you are).

Then there are the other drivers. DC and the surrounding areas are full of many different kinds of drivers. All of them suck except for me. Seriously people, stop going 45 on the beltway. Stop slowing down to 25 when it sprinkles rain. Stop rubbernecking when you pass a bright and shiny accident. Start using your turn signals. Start yielding when you are supposed to yield. Start merging when you are supposed to merge. (You know who you are).

I suppose it is inevitable. I am a crotchety young man.

I want to get out of my car and pull the little skateboarders by their ears to their parents front doorstep. I want to ring the bell and have a long conversation with their parents about why the middle of the road is not the place to let little Johnny "express himself" with his delinquent friends. I want to wedge my Jeep tightly into the parking space that my neighbors should have left for me by alternately backing and pulling into the bumpers of their cars until their alarms bring them running from their houses. And I want my own lane. When I drive somewhere, I want to be the only one on the road. You other people may continue to drive amongst yourselves, just leave me out of it.

God help me, I am actually thinking of voting Republican.

Next up: Being Married to a Hippie (and Loving It)!


caramama said...

Although to be fair, you always said you would be a Crotchety Old Man. You just started a little earlier than either of us suspected...

Your Hippie Wife,

ImpostorMom said...

I think it is something about owning a home. My husband has become increasingly more crotchety the longer we've been in our house. And no one is safe, he actually chased deer from our yard last year after he caught them munching on azaleas. Nothing is funnier than watching a grown man run through your yard shaking his fist at a couple of deer.

ImpostorMom said...

Oh and don't vote republican! Let's not get carried away after all. :P

VDog said...

I second Impostor Mom -- whatever you do, don't vote Republican!! ACK!!

Being crotchety will make you old enough as it is!